Remember to Dream

Ah- as I was browsing through my computer trying to clean it out...I fell upon this. It's an essay that I had sent to my college.....may be something that I always want to remember.

“Can anyone here name a hero?” said my English teacher descending herself over her pedestal centered in the classroom. The question laid an awkward silence over the room as people eyed each other nervously. Quietly I watched my classmates’ expressions as they turned their faces towards each other trying hard, too hard to think of someone who could go by the name “hero”. Arching her brow, my teacher’s frowned stiffening her fingers and roared “Let me ask you one more time, can anyone name a hero in their lives?” The repetition of the question seemed to only have confused people more, with uncertainty in their eyes they began talking amongst each other for guidance on whom a “hero” could be. Finally with what seemed like a forced whisper a kid said “My father?” The hesitation left me sinking into my chair my heart felt heavy, all I could think of was how ashamed I was.
It had been my dream to change people’s lives, make them see the world in a new light. Help them realize that a future exists for us all, and that someone is out there for them. Since I was a kid I had drew pictures for my friends and people I knew so they could smile. Even now I draw to my hearts extent because I loved expressing my world to other people and it inspired me to draw more once their eyes lightened by the sight of the lines drawn in my sketchbook. It also had opened my eyes when I believed I didn’t have a “hero”. Through my whole life I have stumbled upon a verity of types of art forms, and one that I am most in love with was comic books. It really showed me a new path as it seemed as though a new world had came to life through pictures being drawn backed by people’s opinions and wonderful stories. The authors and their characters had really changed my life, for the better, so for me they were my heroes. Seeing and reading those words and images inspired me to be someone. It helped guide me to try to make not just my friends smile but maybe the whole world. Maybe I wouldn’t grow up into being a great figure like Martin Luther King, but I also think I don’t have to. All I ever really believed was that if I handed my friends those pictures, if I try to hand the world my comics then some how I will save the world.
Sometime in the future when and if an English teacher asks their class “Can anyone here name a hero?” I hope my name will be called. Everyone deserves to have a hero.

For the past few weeks nothing but the senior legacy has been taken up my time. Memories and pictures really are the only things that exist for you when time goes on, so I want it to look perfect.

Just a few seconds ago I was browsing past pictures that have been taken of my family, vacations, parities, baby pictures, and so on. Most of the pictures made me laugh because you look back at yourself and wonder why the hell you wore that one outfit, and comment on how much people have changed. At the same time though it got me really upset because I started to realize that in just a few months I would be leaving all that behind. This house that I have been living in for years will soon be one that I visit from just time to time. Looking at every single one I could still remember that moment in that picture perfectly as. Quotes go through my head of what my father used to tell me what I used to tell him. How fun those vacations where and how I didn't appreciate them all. How I used to watch my brother play video games and comment on how good looking the characters where even though they were fictional. There are some things I regret and some things that I don't.
Like I love how close to my brother I was. We never really fought all that much and we had quite a bit in common. He is the one that inspired me to be a comic book artist. I think if it weren't for him I wouldn't even be in the artistic area.

It made me sad but happy and the same time, and laughing at how silly things have ended up being. How much I have changed...

"I just find it sad when people sit down and watch TV all day. That's all they do, all the time." "They don't go out volunteering, going out in any way to make this place a bit cooler." "It's just....mm..."

Twice in my life have I heard those words said in such a sad way that may have been perceived differently by different people... But no one...could not notice that when they finish their sentences their voices just float. Almost as if they wanted God himself to somehow hear what they had to say but then the speaker lowers their head almost in reluctant belief that anything could ever change. Simply they where talking to themselves, to a mirror, and pretending that the other person on the other side looking back at them was a person. A person.
Is this what I do every day? Every day I walk up the same stairs and sit at my computer with some sort of snack in hand having my fingers up and ready to type away and check my messages on 5 different sites. Behind me I can hear my father watching TV and every time I do all I can think about it that when my dad comes home....all he wants to do is watch TV.
A year my parents would have heated arguments over who's turn it was to have the television, or who the hell watches more shows a day then some one else. Now that's settled because we have 2 televisions. One upstairs one downstairs, so now I have two parents who do nothing more with their time and watch some one else live their lives for them.
No... I am not at all intending to insult my parents. They can do what they want with their time. It's just....when I hear all these voices: my parents, the announcer, or John Stewart, I think about those two men's sad faces as they looked down.
Now you must know that this is all going through my head as I am just about to check my DA messages for the 5th time knowing that this time their probably won't be anymore messages. Also, I think to myself Is their anything else I actually do then work on this damn thing? My focus muscle in my eye is screwed up because I don't exercise it enough. Never saw that coming.

If I wanted to make a difference in any sort of way then I really should put up an effort. Maybe some day I will make my dream happen except wishing for it. To me I think we could all make a difference if we tried. Even my brother who is now way to old to be playing video games all day long with no job or real way to support himself.

Maybe I'll just close that door for now, the voices might dull down a bit.

Edit: -sigh- Though I must say....that if your a douche bag in a sense where you mentally and physically abuse others then please get help. In this entry I am talking about a biased stereotype of what a douche bag could be considered to be in a more innocent sense.
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"What is it about human beings that makes us so ready to worship the most undeserving of our admiration? The most empty people... the furthest from a real hero you can be without being a criminal... and we put them on the highest pedestal."

A great quote from Ethan Nicolle. Word's like those have haunted my brain for years as I pursued my dreams as a comic book artist. In his Myspace post his theme revolved around the rock and roll world and how behind their "make up" would is a hollow world that no one should desire. As disgusting and unmentionable it should be, all sources of entertainment consist of this- even comic book industries. People who sometimes seem forced into the world of spotlight become victim to themselves or their fans (by all means in no degrading way). It may even be that you may become a douche bag yourself just to find protection from becoming internally confused on who you really are because you don't want to offend anyone. You don't want to become the next douche bag. No one ever wants to be the next douche bag.

For me I think it has nothing to do with being a "douche bag" and it has nothing to do with how moral you are because moral's in itself are opinions society may have created (who would know). It's all about how some one looks at things and not one view is different then another. From my perspective and maybe only my perspective it would seem the most logical to be yourself and only yourself even if your moral views are vile to other's eyeballs. (Murdering and anything of that sense is never a good thing though, seriously people.)

Yeah I can be like "Dude that douche bag! Enclosed disgusting mind who has fall'n into the oblivion of all those that are not intelligent, he doesn't even deserve that chance to be some thing" but would that not just make me as distasteful? Doesn't that just help myself fall into the puddle of mind eating worms that I didn't want to fall into in the fist place. Just because one thinks some one is a douche bag doesn't make them one and me saying so wouldn't help them change themselves- Especially if they don't desire to change. Do you want to change? Would all that walk this earth want to change into being everyone else just because it would be the "moral" thing to do? I doubt it, and it shouldn't be that way. If that offends, then I apologize but I support individuality.

I am not saying that I don't support people who want to become better people as a whole. As a person I live everyday hoping to fix my past mistakes, above all when I invaded my personal opinions onto others for such pathetic selfish means. Heh, I mean that in a very literal way. Sometimes I come off as a very determined "asshole" and force my opinions onto friends because i thought it was the "right" thing to do. I find that much more caring people are individuals who are not like "ARGH I HATE YOU IF YOU DO THIS I'M LEAVING FOREVER!" and throw my shoes at them. But maybe go about things a more subtle way and really just sit down with people and explain.

Maybe I picked up these thoughts when I attended Deviantart.com because people would almost tare their intestines out because the "art" that shows up on the daily top favorites (ugh top favorites is such a tainted system, don't draw just to get people to love you.) The artist get bashed on for drawing Yaoi, Yuri, Naked Chubby girl art, Muscular Nude Women, "Artistic Nude" that looks like porn in many eyes, Man preg, Anthro's- or actually anything that would be considered Fan service. Many may be thinking ah yea that stuff is ridiculous and doesn't follow the traditional art medium and if that thought comes to your mind as of right now then that's fine but it's really unnecessary to go yell at the artist for drawing it and its even more idiotic to yell at them for being on the top favorites. They didn't "+ fav" their own work they only posted up what THEY love to draw and they shouldn't be shunned for it.

It's even more depressing when those artist give in, not because they have come to realization that drawing "yaoi" may not have been them but because their brain's couldn't take the pressure and soon sort circuited into saying " beep I B.E.L.I.E.V.E! beep bippity."



"Fame"  one of those lovely little Illusions Teddy.