Remember to Dream

My last post had some serious grammatical errors. Why do I suck to much?

Well anyway today was far to amusing then it should have been, my giggles probably had the teacher disoriented, wanting me to shut up. Our drawing teacher asked us to place our poo on paper onto the ground for everyone to see. Looking down at mine I kept thinking "Damn I think I am drawing worse!" Though with our teachers comforting us that it was supposed to look like shit I felt a little warmer on the inside. After saying my drawing looked like it got electrocuted he asked for us to "Fuck our drawings up," for ten minutes. Immediately heather just started jabbing at her art, thrashing at it with her pencil. She got so historical with it that it threw her drawing pad onto the floor. The sight just had me in tears, what a retard. Looking beside me I saw Ian also throwing his pencil around so rapidly and with such concentration that he looked constipated. Indeed. I couldn't get my own drawing done with the amusement from the people around me. I flat out just chocked when Ian started drawing his picture with his teeth.

While drawing the beautiful female model my drawing teacher commented on the plants by her and said, "I like this, it looks like pudding." and smiled at him and said thank you. Not to soon afterward did I realized what he jut said. I hate drawing plants.

Back home it was so hard for me to draw my comics.I was procrastinating. Wanting something else to do with me times. There were always reasons why I didn't do my work. "Its dinner time." "I need to hang out with my friends before new york," "My room is messy, need to pick it up."

I suppose the reason why was because drawing comics alone in your house while switching through channels trying to find Fresh Prince of Bel air made me feel as though in this world I was the only one who existed. When I look outside there is grass, a few houses, but no people. It really felt as though the whole world revolved around oneself, which I hated. I procrastinated quiet a bit because I felt like I was apart of something on the internet. I chatted with friends...looked at my comments. With friends it felt as though I meant something.

Here in new york I feel free. I can color and draw my pictures up in the S level. People pass by to cook or watch TV. You hear the voices of people when you work so you know its worth it Because you are drawing for the people. Its so relaxing. When I draw usually I panic about the smallest things: "How is this comic going to succeed," "Will I live my whole life like this?" Now all of those voices are gone. I love it. Even when I am in my room reading a comic book or coloring a picture, I hear cars outside and I know I'm not the only person alive.

Oh and Heather and I are also doing a comic book exchange. She picks a book for me and I pick a book for her and we both read it. We just spot the most interesting or hideous thing in the store and buy it. Wasting our money? Nah. Buying terrible comic books help me find mistakes that I can fix in my own book. If your always looking at the good ones you never know how to improve because your reading it so fast.

This week I got "Dark Ivory".

Pretty corny. Narration boxes told the story, started with a dream sequence, flat panels to the extreme, repeating panels. Just all around weird. It was pretty Emo too. They bragged about their scars. The art was good though. Can't wait to drop by the store again to buy another one for Heather.

What a week.

As of right now I have moved and sitting in my dorm room. Ugh....I miss my friends. So! Lets go through my eventful week because its just so interesting.

Monday: Jenni and James came over to bake a cheese cake and some Chess bars. Rusty was supposed to come along but he changed his plans. Jerk, but it was delicious. We didn't exactly cook the crust right though, haha, I couldn't cut into it. That night Jenni left early but James stayed late that night with heather and I providing many hugs. It was really difficult to see him leave even though he would be there the next day. James and I have known each other for about a year. He sat in front of us in Mrs.Collins art class. Which was interesting, I didn't really like the way she taught. She gave us ridiculous assignments like painting on card board boxes and hub caps. Anyway, I loved art just because of James. We would ask each other really bizarre questions (sometimes abnormally sexual) and sometimes my other friend of about 10 years, Chelsea, would also participate. We always had this one joke that james would live in a card board box somewhere in New York. He would even have his own card board box garage, fridge, and for a TV he would cut a box out of the side to watch people go by.

Tuesday: I got my hair cut and sad bye to my hair dresser. Then I went to a small party with a few of my friends to say my last goodbyes. It was so much fun. We stayed at Matt's house and played uno for the most part. (FUN RIGHT oooOHHH YEA~) Then we went to Chilies together and shared our family history. It was a really sad day actually. All of us were flying off or driving to different areas. My group of friends are really close, so it was hard for us.
On the way to Chilies though James hit a wall on the highway. Which was really scary but the car didn't get too damaged. At the restaurant James parents called James and told him he couldn't stay out late because he was male and it would be impolite to stay late at a woman's house. That really made me angry. That would be the last night to see him and they wouldn't let him stay to share one last moment. They wouldn't even let him swim at my house so he wouldn't interact with my family!

Thursday: We left early that morning to say bye to James. It was hard to look James in the face because he was shaking, almost in tears. I kept my head down and looked away so I also would not cry. We gave each other hugs and tried our hardest to stay optimistic. We waved him off and Jenni cried. That night Jenni spent the night with us and we talked about past events and the things we cherish most.

Friday: Got up early to get ready for plane ride. Jenni waved us good bye and cried really hard. I felt terrible for her. I, myself, tried my hardest to keep my hopes up. The plane ride was 3 hours long and it felt like 5. Spent remaining days with my parents.

So far New York has been alot of fun.

Yesterday Night was hilarious.

At 10 o clock after Graduation my friends and I attended prograd. There you could win items, big items I must say, like the Playstation 3 or a pot cooker. Being that my luck at raffles is terrible I didn't win any of those things! I came home with some lotion.....yay~.

So incredibly lame. My friends walked off with tons of items, and my driver won the PS3.

The part that made that event worth it was the hypnosis! This professional came in and attempted to hypnotize about 20 if the students. Personally, I never really believed that you could actually make people act completely out of their nature through such a thing, but watching them defiantly made me think otherwise.

Let me think....

At first he had the kids believe they were at a calm beach relaxing in the breeze and then by saying the temp was increasing dramatically, kids on the stage started sweating and one kid even took off his sweater. Then he started to lower the temperature and led it down to 30 degrees. Girls started curling up and getting close to men they would probably never touch.

Thing is, it was so incredible and hilarious because I knew these kids. I had been growing up with them for 12 years, so to watch them lose their cool was amazing. He had them tasting silly drinks to sour drinks in which they were almost going to vomit from the taste. All of them drove race cars to the finish and almost got caught by the police. Also he had kids believe they led out a huge fart and the others could smell it. Girl's believed that we professional weight lifters. When asked what her best muscles were, Paige said "My butt." then preceded to "show her muscles off" when told to by the hypnotist. She grabbed her butt. Two guys laid eggs and acted like blue ribbon, award winning chickens. A couple of guys thought they were award winning ballerinas and pranced around the stage.

The parts I thought were the funniest were when he had men and women believe that they were seeing the men of their dreams. Every time the hypnotist put his hand in his pocket he has this very stable confident male believe the hyp was one of the most beautiful women in the world. During the performance he put his hand into his pocket twice. The male had this trance in his eyes and was completely in a awe. He indeed did think the host was a beautiful female, at some point he even started to stand up and walk towards the host. When the hyp snapped his fingers the boy just stood there confused. When he was asked what he was doing he said "I don't know," and sat back down.

to be continued....

Today Heather felt a bit worse....

All of our friends planned on going to chili's together and I asked Heather to come with us just to put a smile on her face. Didn't work....

Steven and I secretly planned a way to deliver a chocolate ice cream cake to Heather because money can't buy happiness but caring can. As the waiter was walking away Steven ran after him and asked him to bring out her cake. When he did come I shouted "surprise!" and Heather finally did laugh.
Damien and I helped her eat it as Steven yelled "eat it, Eat it. That was 10 bucks. Eat it and like it!"
We all laughed and it was worth it.... though I lost my buck I earned on selling my Ranma 1/2! Argh!!
Jenni's last message under her name still says Chibi (heathers nick name): I'll probably never get that close... But hope is always good.
In a time like this...and other times I wish Jenni were still by our sides. I still wish she cared like how she used too.

My brother came over for 2 weeks and left this morning. He had brought a PS3, Rock band and Devil May Cry three. Despite Devil May Cry 3 being insanely predictable and cliche, it was good. The graphics were beautiful! Dante was so cool...cooler then in the 3rd game. I loved the battle system and the bosses were awesome.

Rock Band was fun also. When I actually had my voice I was scoring really well for Karaoke. It had a lot of songs I actually liked.

Today my sister got rejected by the company she sent her project to. She received it just before the family went to the restaurant of her choice. Right when she heard that it was a letter sent to her we both knew the news.

Her face went completely pale, and her lips literally turned white. In my life I've never seen blood lose out of another's face happen so fast. And I've never seen anyone's lips turn a color lighter then their skin. Pale skin I must say.

She was extremely upset. The car ride to Rock fish was the longest car ride. Also, I was really very upset, wondering what we should do next. I knew why Heather's wasn't accepted so they in conclusion would be a big negative for me as well.

Colored returned to her face later while she was eating but she didn't talk the whole time. Sorry Heather...

But later that night Heather and I spent our time laughing and feeling quiet a bit better then just hours before. We both read the whole letter and at the end they told her that she had a lot of potential and after some crit they said they hoped to see more of her work.

Though now I will have to stop all what I had planed and start on a new short comic at least Heather's a little bit more happy. I really wanted to get start on dreaming of Illusions because I love it so, but its all fine.

I'm kind of upset in a way because I feel as though people who knew her already knew she would not be accepted. My brother didn't read her comic nor did any of our friends. That was most upsetting to me I think....

It's all fine...
I think today I will rest and start on it tomorrow.

Silent hill is scary Metal Gear is scarier!

A few days ago I tried playing MGS 1 Playstation 1 version and I must say that I don't remember the graphics being so hideous! I also don't remember it being so short. My how it brings back a lot of cherish able times that I wish I had back. Times in which Heather and I sat together watching out brother play his way through games, dashing side to side, showing us his brotherly strength through his finger tips and thumbs.

Now about the graphics being hideous- I say this out of love. Old school graphics that leave Cloud's arms bulgy and completely out of proportion is just irresistible! For me it just added quiet a bit more mood and personality. Now every thing's just too clean and perfect. Gamer developers shove their plot down a paper shredder just to save room for more explosive, exotic nonsense.

Well this time it was me playing which made it a completely new experience. Back when I was little I remember the first part being incredibly difficult.I must have been a disabled moron. Even though yes...I managed to get caught ("!") behind that damn box in the top corner, (Ok so the guards are smarter then I thought) my sister got to the elevator in no time.

So maybe I didn't actually beat the introduction, but I would have if Heather and I weren't taking turns!

The next part though yea...I totally owned it. Cameras? psft!.....

Yea- Got caught 2 times by a guard trying to get those-- grenades. At least the guy has an attention pan of my dog. Ran around the box cart thing at the bottom of the map a few times and my wholesome, cleaver plan got the poor guy confused. He wondered back off into the abyss on where he came (where the hell do these guys come from anyways?).

Would still be playing it but I'm still upset that my game has a few glitches. The scene with the chief was skipped. Hesitating on seeing if I should play more to see if more scenes will be skipped. My friend recommended me to reinstall it. Bah! I don't want to have to redo my 30 minutes of pathetic game play!

Sometimes I get caught in this all. What I need to do, how to get it done right. What not to do our how to do it. At the same time I am trying to remember to just forget about it. That you've got to enjoy it while its there for you and not get yourself lost in something that really doesn't matter. All I need to think about is laughing and being me. Not getting involved in something I never wanted to be apart of. Never forget.

One of my friends was really upset about High school ending. He was worried about when he left high school if he would ever see his friends again. If they would stay in contact. I just told him that there's no rule book to life. If you want to be with your friends after school then have it be that way. It's all about your perspective on it all, and how much you care. It's all going to be fine.

Ah- as I was browsing through my computer trying to clean it out...I fell upon this. It's an essay that I had sent to my college.....may be something that I always want to remember.

“Can anyone here name a hero?” said my English teacher descending herself over her pedestal centered in the classroom. The question laid an awkward silence over the room as people eyed each other nervously. Quietly I watched my classmates’ expressions as they turned their faces towards each other trying hard, too hard to think of someone who could go by the name “hero”. Arching her brow, my teacher’s frowned stiffening her fingers and roared “Let me ask you one more time, can anyone name a hero in their lives?” The repetition of the question seemed to only have confused people more, with uncertainty in their eyes they began talking amongst each other for guidance on whom a “hero” could be. Finally with what seemed like a forced whisper a kid said “My father?” The hesitation left me sinking into my chair my heart felt heavy, all I could think of was how ashamed I was.
It had been my dream to change people’s lives, make them see the world in a new light. Help them realize that a future exists for us all, and that someone is out there for them. Since I was a kid I had drew pictures for my friends and people I knew so they could smile. Even now I draw to my hearts extent because I loved expressing my world to other people and it inspired me to draw more once their eyes lightened by the sight of the lines drawn in my sketchbook. It also had opened my eyes when I believed I didn’t have a “hero”. Through my whole life I have stumbled upon a verity of types of art forms, and one that I am most in love with was comic books. It really showed me a new path as it seemed as though a new world had came to life through pictures being drawn backed by people’s opinions and wonderful stories. The authors and their characters had really changed my life, for the better, so for me they were my heroes. Seeing and reading those words and images inspired me to be someone. It helped guide me to try to make not just my friends smile but maybe the whole world. Maybe I wouldn’t grow up into being a great figure like Martin Luther King, but I also think I don’t have to. All I ever really believed was that if I handed my friends those pictures, if I try to hand the world my comics then some how I will save the world.
Sometime in the future when and if an English teacher asks their class “Can anyone here name a hero?” I hope my name will be called. Everyone deserves to have a hero.

For the past few weeks nothing but the senior legacy has been taken up my time. Memories and pictures really are the only things that exist for you when time goes on, so I want it to look perfect.

Just a few seconds ago I was browsing past pictures that have been taken of my family, vacations, parities, baby pictures, and so on. Most of the pictures made me laugh because you look back at yourself and wonder why the hell you wore that one outfit, and comment on how much people have changed. At the same time though it got me really upset because I started to realize that in just a few months I would be leaving all that behind. This house that I have been living in for years will soon be one that I visit from just time to time. Looking at every single one I could still remember that moment in that picture perfectly as. Quotes go through my head of what my father used to tell me what I used to tell him. How fun those vacations where and how I didn't appreciate them all. How I used to watch my brother play video games and comment on how good looking the characters where even though they were fictional. There are some things I regret and some things that I don't.
Like I love how close to my brother I was. We never really fought all that much and we had quite a bit in common. He is the one that inspired me to be a comic book artist. I think if it weren't for him I wouldn't even be in the artistic area.

It made me sad but happy and the same time, and laughing at how silly things have ended up being. How much I have changed...

"I just find it sad when people sit down and watch TV all day. That's all they do, all the time." "They don't go out volunteering, going out in any way to make this place a bit cooler." "It's just....mm..."

Twice in my life have I heard those words said in such a sad way that may have been perceived differently by different people... But no one...could not notice that when they finish their sentences their voices just float. Almost as if they wanted God himself to somehow hear what they had to say but then the speaker lowers their head almost in reluctant belief that anything could ever change. Simply they where talking to themselves, to a mirror, and pretending that the other person on the other side looking back at them was a person. A person.
Is this what I do every day? Every day I walk up the same stairs and sit at my computer with some sort of snack in hand having my fingers up and ready to type away and check my messages on 5 different sites. Behind me I can hear my father watching TV and every time I do all I can think about it that when my dad comes home....all he wants to do is watch TV.
A year my parents would have heated arguments over who's turn it was to have the television, or who the hell watches more shows a day then some one else. Now that's settled because we have 2 televisions. One upstairs one downstairs, so now I have two parents who do nothing more with their time and watch some one else live their lives for them.
No... I am not at all intending to insult my parents. They can do what they want with their time. It's just....when I hear all these voices: my parents, the announcer, or John Stewart, I think about those two men's sad faces as they looked down.
Now you must know that this is all going through my head as I am just about to check my DA messages for the 5th time knowing that this time their probably won't be anymore messages. Also, I think to myself Is their anything else I actually do then work on this damn thing? My focus muscle in my eye is screwed up because I don't exercise it enough. Never saw that coming.

If I wanted to make a difference in any sort of way then I really should put up an effort. Maybe some day I will make my dream happen except wishing for it. To me I think we could all make a difference if we tried. Even my brother who is now way to old to be playing video games all day long with no job or real way to support himself.

Maybe I'll just close that door for now, the voices might dull down a bit.

The thought of some outside force controlling one's own mind is a very scary thought to me. No, I am not talking about Aliens or the supernatural.(though I must say that might be pretty cool...)
A few days ago I had to be dragged to the doctors office to be "put out" while doctors poked around in my insides and I must say that the idea scared me. It's not the "poking around my insides" that seemed rather unsettling it was actually the being drug- I mean...being "put out" part of it that made me want to pass out. Its like the doctors can decide your fate.

Doctor: "Your awake! Now your alseep...." "...Awake! daaaaww now your asleep-"

"-Oh shit we killed her wile playing our little games. Send her off quick! Her parents won't notice they'll expect her to just be a bit drowsy!!!"

I like controlling when I go to sleep. Haha actually....I wonder if others too sometimes sit up at night intensly wondering to themselves- questioning on how suddenly the lights go off in your brain and your somehow warped 7 hours into the future with bizzare visions that humor you in the morning. While pondering- "Damn it! you know what? This time I am going to pay attention and catch the exact moment that I DO fall asleep." then what seems like a few seconds later... "Fuck! I missed it! I'll just wait till next time- YOU CAN'T BEAT ME SLEEP!"

Back to my story, It really wasn't all that bad. My body did numb before I passed out so it was like sleeping on fast forward. GAR! now I wish we had a remote for sleeping!

Having trouble sleeping? Rolling around to much because the bed's broken and your dad's to lazy to fix it? Get the Sleep Controlerziod! Go to sleep at the push of a botton and then sloowww it down during the dreams you love most!

Sleep Controlerziod!! Sleep Controlerziod!!! Sleep Controlerziod!!!! buy it today for free, please don't sue us!.

Hah...Well anyways, apparently after you wake up you sleep for another 24 hours so the drugs will wear off.
So....I don't remember my way home! I do vaguely remember one of the nurse's dressing me and me thinking "Why is this stranger dressing me?...ah oh well..."
Also I remember that when I got home a bacon sandwich was made for me but I was so out of it to even eat it hahaha! I would start chewing it but then stop periodically with a chunk of sandwich still laying between my teeth and a sandwich at my lips, amused by the images passing before my eyes. Voices behind me kept having to tell me "Michelle! keep eating. Chew it, chew it." and then somewhere in my brain I would click "ah oh yea! I need to eat this sandwich! Damn I forgot." A few moments later I lay helpless to my delusions again as the voices keep telling me to keep chewing.

What a wonderful experience...