Remember to Dream

This is just sad,

http://crazyreporterninja.deviantart.com/journal/25145189/#comments

Heather's response to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjhWrwCW7qE&feature=channel_page

I've been really down sense A-kon. I'm used to the constant self esteem let down by my family or lack of comments on my art. Art isn't really about being acknowledged or to be popular. Art is all about just expressing who you are. That's something you can't buy with popularity, money, or experience. But, I've felt really bad sense I've given that Oliver fanart to Endling. He loved it, I'm sure(which I really appreciate), but I got a huge blow when I uploaded it onto DA. Nobody faved or commented it. Not even my regular Fans. My favs have been going down along with my comments. Am I getting a hell of a lot worse? Oliver had actually been one of my favorite characters draw but.....

Endling managed to find it and faved it (other then my sister) which really surprised me because I didn't note him. I didn't know if I wanted to note him about it because I felt like it was so bad. Oliver's hair wasn't even right. His hair is the most important part and I didn't do that right? To me that's such a huge insult to an artist to not pay attention to such an important detail. That was so kind of him to favorite it though. It wasn't until afterward that 4 others faved it. And, even still after he had it on his page for people to see I didn't get any comments except one. Even on conceptart.com I get NOTHING. Not one comment.

Anyway,I'm trying to color it to show him and convincing myself that he looks ok. I mean I like the picture so why does it matter if others don't? Endling liked it too so I really should just shut up.

 
So yesterday Heather, James, Jenni and I drove for 5 hours to Dallas to see Endling, (endling.deviantart.com), at A-kon. Honestly, I am not much of an anime fan but its been some time since I've been to an Anime convention and I miss the overwhelming cheerfulness of it all. But, I really just went to see an artist that I had been a big fan of sense 2003.

Going up to Endling was kind of difficult for me. I am far to shy and afraid I'll fumble around me words, embarrassing myself in the process. However, last week I had started a sketch of Oliver, one of his awesome characters. It took me a week to trying and draw an actual expression except the horrors of boring frowning flatness I usually portray. After many failures, 2 before today, I finally got a sketch done. Those(yesterday and Friday) two days were hell for me.

Well Anyway, Heather went up to him first requesting a commission then giving him her Oliver fan art she gave him some time ago. (imaginetheending.deviantart.com/art/Who-me-Yes-you-113594701) Out of shear glee he reacted to it in a way that I had not expected. With much amusement and joy he freaked at the sight of it. With a huge smile on his face he had commented that it had been his favorite fan art and that this was one of the very few fan art that had him motivated in drawing his own characters. Then he further complimented her then shook her hand. It was really one of the best days of my life to see that happen. The only few compliments, if you can call them compliments, that she gets from artist is that her art is angsty and too dark. It had been like the dark cloud hovering over Heather through her life had disappeared.

At the same time though, being completely overwhelmed by what was happening I felt like a bomb had exploded inside of me. How was my fan art going to compare to that?!?! Fuck. Anyway, he actually really liked my picture! Hahahaha

Sadly, I could not get a commission from him. Which made me really upset because soon after my first encounter with him I lost my convention badge so I had to buy another one. But I did ask a commission from zombiesmile.deviantart.com/ , who is fucking AMAZING by the way. My day had turned around instantly when I saw the Fan art she did of my character Aex: farm3.static.flickr.com/2437/3583937491_0086e28a16.jpg Look at it! Its fucking awesome!!! I've tried drawing Aex from the front and I couldn't do it, but she did it and it looked so good. Out of excitement and love I hugged her. She really made my day. I've got to note her later.

Here's a flattering picture of kris-wilson from DA:

My mother stayed home this week to spend time with us and its already started out uneasy. This whole day she's been telling me what it is I am doing wrong and what I should be doing to comfort everyone elses. As if its any concern to her. Playing upstairs on the computer, she's shown no sort of interest in actually hanging out with us. And, when she does come downstairs she insists that we help her cook as if she's our boss expecting our highest expectations. I'd rather feel like a daughter then a girl fresh out of college working her first summer job.

The only person that has made an attempt to enjoy my company is my brother and even when I am playing with him my father gets emotionally strained. I don't understand why. My father hasn't really done much either except escape upstairs or turn on the television to drain out our noise.

Oh, wait I have to go take out the dishes- see ya.

http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2009/05/entitlement-issues.html

Exactly.

A girl in my sculpture class stood in front of everyone and did a presentation over Synesthesia. She saw music as colors. As she demonstrated the whole routine I kept laughing to myself because I didn't understand why she was bragging about something everyone had.

Then when the whole thing was over I thought everyone would give sarcastic stares but they were all in awe and completely unaware of how she could have done that. A kid from class even asked her about it.

Seriously, over my whole life I thought everyone saw music as colors. Haha, it wasn't until after I talked with James that I realized I had Synesthesia. Which just sounds really stupid to me because I still don't understand how people don't see music as colors. What the hell to you imagine then when your listening to it? Just bob your head to the absence in your head?

In this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veoN1mh7RME the guy describes that having Synesthesia is much like how people experience things when their high. I suppose that's why I didn't have to take drugs to get inspired haha.

The more days that I spend here the more the old feeling of intense aggravation. Some months ago I had rethought my ways of thinking about my family because it may have been immature or birthed from teenage ignorance. No. It's still there just as much as it had been.

After reading Ethan's last post about his parents I had actually felt quiet a bit of envy and sadness. Usually when people talk about how much they get along with their parents at the back of my head I know it's only because they haven't opened their eyes. That's only out of spite. There's something beautiful out of really caring about other people especially for the ones that supported you through your small life.

Care and love really are the only few things I am grateful that this world have given us as humans. (Even though we have destroyed what has made birth, sex, and love so real.)

It's when, in those rare moments, I see something so pure I long for something so alienated from me. I hardly know my parents. Their strangers to me. They could secretly programed robots taught how to act in the eyes of other beings to not give away that they really work for the government to take over the world. I really wouldn't know better.

Dad still talks down to me. Telling me what or what not to do in the most arrogant disapproving way. If I don't say something to his highly guarded mannerisms he gets really pissed off. He also tells me what or what I should not do with my life along with my mom. When mom is cooking something Dad tells me to watch so I can learn how to do it myself. He did that on mothers day actually. He told me to watch mom take down the fucking baking potatoes from the oven so I would know how. Like I haven't have been using the same damn oven for the past two years. Dad makes me pay for things myself so I can get the experience. And he still talks to me and my brother (who is 23) in that baby Elmo voice.

Every time my Mom and Dad turns on the TV I usually leave to my room and take a long bath. However, because their only ever watching TV I have to turn my computer speakers up really high.
She's always eats. I mean seriously she just ate dinner and is now going for some Ice cream. It's just so sad that I can't take it. There's something so unnatural about all this.

Ethan's parents read his blogs and really partake in his life. My parents tell me that I shouldn't waste my time on comic books and watch TV all fucking day. I really could have just stayed in New York. It's pointless to have come back. Really can't wait to meet up with my friends.

Moosey: He is an irritable little toy, completely put out by the distasteful human's he lives with. Aggravated by his daily routine to role play Amber's foolish delusions he wants out and will go to extremes to do so. However, still caring for his other toy friends he brings them along. Though, they as well start to nag on his conscious to leave them behind along with their obnoxious personalities.

Dino: Ignorantly believes in the realities that Amber plays him through. Thinking that Moosey is suggesting to take over the world/house and not simply leaving, he slows processes down. Dino seems ill of logic or rationality. It can also be suggested that he lacks intelligence and does not, with observations, live consciously in this realm.

Biggie: Nicest of the four toys. Sympathetic towards Amber and doesn't want to leave the girl who has been caring for her for such a long time. Being cowardly and lacking self esteem she goes along with Moosey anyway. Mistaking herself as a human and not a toy she also lacks common sense.

Amber: Desperately trying to deny her mundane life she makes every attempt to fit in on social terms. Her first year at middle school for her is tough but she quickly grabs a boy and chats with rumored popular girls at the school to better her status or give an illusion that she is better then everyone else. However, at the end of the day, she can not deny who she really is under her make up; a somebody.

Trevor: Much like Amber he too grabs any individual to heighten his male superiority. People to him are much more like toys then actual people. Physically and mentally nothing is going for this guy. All hopes lay that deep with in his two dimensional body that some one that feels exists.

Getting home was really painful.

Driving through the neighborhoods the whole scene played out awfully in my head. Out of shape people fighting to walk short distances, young couples walking dogs, kids riding on bikes seemed like some awful illusion on what makes people happy. Everything here seems so controlled compared to New York. Houses lines up evenly with no signed of flaws. Nice paint jobs, lawns cut so fine it almost gave off a false impression that grass actually grew that way. People smiling and waving like programs welcoming new people to their small town.

It all lacked natural care; humanity. Everyone, everything looked the same. There's no sense of personality; individuality. Driving closer to my house I had this overwhelming feeling that this itself was hell. This neighborhood felt so secluded from the rest of the world. Spoiled children were so depressed, self righteous over such mundane things. No one here understands what it is that makes the world beautiful.

Walking into my house nearly made me vomit. Everything was perfect, so nicely placed. Just walking into it you'd have no idea who the hell this prison belonged to. Magazines are so nicely placed on a vacant counters. Carpets, walls, and couches lacked wear or the appearance of stains. It was disgusting.

It was hard for me to imagine why I was so upset back here but now I know. There's nothing to do and people aren't much different then cardboard cut outs. What is there to compare yourself to but the ideas of cartoon characters?

When I finally managed to sit down with my parents they could really care less about what I did in school. They didn't even ask. When we tried to tell them about our teachers or our work they would change the subject. Most of our conversations consisted on money or what we did wrong. Mom lectured us that we shouldn't focus on comic books and that we look at the world too much in an idealistic way. What the fuck? Nobody, especially my parents, knows me enough to tell my my views are idealistic. Both of them also lectured us on ways to get money on how to further our career and that we didn't know how to do it right.Yea, okay. We also tried to show them some of my friends works but they also criticized that as well. Mom also wanted heather and I do hop to get a job this summer. Which I didn't mind as much but it just bothers me that my mom didn't exactly even ask about what we have been doing for the past year. Also dad got onto us about cleaning and how we must clean at least 10 minutes a day. I had pointed out to my dad that I didn't understand his extremes on how clean this house should be. Compared to my other friends this house was spotless. He laughed at me and said the house was a complete mess. God... then he told this story on how a bug sprayer or whatever found some dust in the window seal. Oh no guys dust? No!!!

When it gets down to it how clean our positions should be does not matter to a point. We all die and when we die that house will decay coming down with all of it's cleanliness. My parents don't have hobbies or try to enjoy the little things life gives you. You'll never know what it is you enjoy unless you go out there and find it. Cleaning can't really be their only priority. When they are not cleaning their watching T.V.

Well..I suppose I have things to do. Good night.

Edit: Woa, Ripple was actually pretty good. Is defiantly for mature readers but I loved it. I recommend it to anybody.
______
When I walk into a book store it is as if I am walking into a place that is black and white. Comic books lined against the wall contain the same content as the one beside it with not much differentiation in personality or style. In my eyes its all a big blob that has been nicely designed and organized on a shelf to give an illusion of a world that may seem interesting. Honestly, I put down every book that I pick up.

- Fan service
- Fan service
- Fan service

I don't understand why people make their best attempts at having their comics look and feel like every body else's work. It's as if every comic that's drawn in the damn place is drawn by the same person.

....Enough complaining.

Anyway, so I Mark who owns cosmic comics in New York gave me some of Dave Coopers work. It was really weird because he pretty much refused to give me Ripple. He said it would have given me nightmares. I replied, "Well damn, now I really want to read it!" and I begged him if i could buy it. (He had it half price for me so that's why he had a say in what I bought) Apparently the book is really dark and sexually repulsive. Looking through it yea he was right. I also saw some reviews over these things and people commented that, "It's not for the ladies." Well fuck, that just wanted me to buy it more.

There's not much that I can say about it right now in a professional sense. It's a bit immature for me to judge my opinions on something just because everyone told me to NOT read it. Maybe I won't like it. Whatever.

As of right now I am reading Pip and Norton and I love it. Its so funny. The styles really awesome and I love the characters. The environment really compliments the colors and mood that's conveyed through the story.
Nat, you should really read his work. I think you'd love it. Anyway nothing else is going on except school work. Currently obsessed with a show called 6 feet under. And two people stared at me at a restaurant today. Hmm....

Supposedly I am a adult but I am still a retard at heart:



When I was younger I used to obsess over water balloon babies. Haha, I've only met one other person who actually see's water balloons as cute little squishie babies. Which is very....very silly. Yea....Come on guys be mature here.

This all started actually in Sculpture class when I begged heather if I could put a face on one of her water balloons she was using for her project. We....accidentally fell in love with the hypnotizing little demonic thing. Look at it. You just can't resist.

Patrick stared at it and commented, "I don't know why but it makes me very happy." Then Steven, my teacher, picked it up and squealed, "Every time I see one of these things I think it looks like a boob!" Then he placed it under his shirt and yelled, "It feels real!"

When we finally had to pop the thing, Heather didn't want to haha. Suppose if you put a face on something you grow attached to it. Funny think is that the little guy had us the happiest we've been sense we've been here.

It took sometime to pop. Steven, like the manly man he is, tried popping it several times by throwing a nail at it. It was pretty funny because Steve would walk up to it all pampus like he was "the man." Then flinch at the last second, scared of the balloon popping I guess, tossing nail off into the wrong direction. It was a hilarious scene I couldn't help but laugh at the poor guy. Each time he tried again he'd tighten his belt up ready to fire but then back off right at the last second missing the thing entirely. Yelling at me to stop laughing at him I turned away with tears in my eyes at the pathetic scene.

It was a good day.

Other then the fact that one of my classmates made fun of me for saying "No" a specific way. Some of my classmates hate each other. They'll find any reason to pick at someone's personality. Some talk down about students who complain "they don't have enough time to do projects." While others make fun of people for the way they speak. We all have our reasons. By the way one of my old friends has fallen in love with a girl he met and talked with for 15 minutes. He wants to marry her and hasn't stopped talking about her gorgeous appearance. Some one commented that he is only infatuated but he denied that. To him infatuation and love are the same thing. I suppose he is right. I've never been infatuated with anyone, suppose I'll never find love. People have fallen for me as well with out even ever really talking with me. The way I look is only a shell. My face, age, and gender doesn't define who I am or the way I see others.

Heather's Nerf guns also got stolen along with half of her sculpture project. It made her really upset; told me that she thinks people are really sad.

She.... also told me that she regretted popping that balloon, it had made her happy.

I went home and made her another one.

I love this:


Danko Jones - King Of Magazines from Bad Taste Records on Vimeo.

Store owner of Cosmic Comics introduced Dave Cooper to me and gave two comics of his for free.(He is so nice) Also, he is going to order some of Dave's work for me to by on Thursday.

Comics he gave me, which I surprisingly really enjoyed: Part 1 and 3 of Dan and Larry

Aww this is so amusing and fun! http://www.tweenbots.com/

Alexa we need to find these little guys around Newyork haha!

Most of my dreams are boring; not worth mentioning. Last night was a bit different. On contrary to the bizarre mishap of having too many sleep paralysis experiences(Damn I had a hallucination that one of my classmates sat in front of my bed waving at me) I had my fair share of beautiful moments through that quiet night. Silence usually is something that bothers me but I didn't mind it. Having a hard time sleeping I just stared at the ceiling and glanced around the room at a world that for once looked like it was shaded blue. There's something nice about feeling like your the only one awake. Time has stopped and only once and I while do I hear faint yelling outside to remind me that the world still exists.

( Dream 1 )

( Dream 2 )

RAAGGHHHH!! That's it I can't watch this show anymore!!! After the girl threw up once the mother holds her boyfriend's hand and tells him, "Congratulations, your girlfriends pregnant!" WHAT THE FUCK?! I've watched this WHOLE show and I haven't seen them snuggle, make out, or have ANY sign of intimacy. Then out of dramatic horror she announces loudly to her parents that her and the main character are having sex?! COME ON!!

Edit: Holy shit, she died! Something is happening guys. Something interesting is happening!

Damn I know that some Anime shows can be ridiculous but Clannad is to the extreme of lame. My brother recommended this Anime to me a few months ago and I've bitten my thumbs off trying to watch it. This show is a great example of why my liking of Anime has deteriorated over time. My father told me that Anime was going to be one of those things I would grow out of. I haven't grown out of Anime. I do actually find a few good ones from time to time but these shows have gotten so bad. I think I might actually find more entertainment watching people I despise get drunk while praying to God on why don't haven't gotten into any decent relationships.

This whole show is about watching about someones very mundane life. Why do I want to watch this ignorant kid continually cry, pounding his fists into the wall because he hurt his shoulder in the 2nd grade? WHO CARES? I was born with my feet pointed inwards. Maybe I should write a show about that, I am sure that will have eyes rolling.

The characters in this story are so fucking understanding, it's ridiculous. The author of this obviously didn't get out much, "Oh you missed 5 days of work? Aww well we understand."

And the relationship with the main character and his "girl"! Wow, that's enough of a insult to the anime genre. It's been two sessions, they know nothing about each other, not once have they romanticly gotten involved with each other and their both getting married?! Right out of highschool with no job the main character proposes to her with out ever even kissing her. Then when their alone talking in TWO different beds she tells him she wants a baby?! A baby?! Are you fucking retarded?

God just- no.

Usually ,I don't want to depose of people. I don't find contempt in harshly ridiculing others for their offensive behaviors and rude postures to other people. Today was an acception. Normally, it is the teen's the arrogant little shits that tip people's days off balance. Having people wish they'd never be considered human. No. No, through my whole time here in New York I haven't once wish mishaps on the children of my age no matter how ignorant and snappy they seem. It is the Old wrinkly things that feel they can roll you over with their shopping carts because they've not go much time left for you or anyone else. You think I am making the story up about trying to roll over me with a shopping cart? Hah! Some lady literally fucking tried to run me over with a cart of a few months ago. Telling me I was in her way while running her wheels into the back of my feet.

Well excuse me for being a horrible little being. I may have caused the end of the world for standing in your oh so righteous path.

Carrying quiet a few huge canvas's today I felt the need to take the bus because the school vehicle decides itself when it wants to take a sick day. Barely making it to the bus door before it rides off into the sunset Heather and I stumbled on. The driver rudely started driving while heather and I stood having us play a balancing act on the floor while a lady reassures me that I should hold onto something before I fall over onto the innocent. Well to not get into people's way and not trip I grabbed the first seat I could find. Just so happens to be a one of the disabilitie seats in the front. I looked to the back hoping to spot a few seats so I could keep my seat open for others. There weren't any. And because I only had two more stops to go I sat patiently for me to get off. (Obvious point: I couldn't stand anywhere. If I did I would have blocked the aisle with my bulky shit.)

Then, aah god, this little old hag sits next to Heather. Then when she feels comfortable and the bus starts rolling again she turns to heather pointing at her with her sharp ugly fingernails,

"Can you not read the signs?! This is the disabilities section not for people with big pictures! You got to move so the others can sit!" Heather stared pretty ignorantly at the lady. It's not as if Heather intended to look like a douche. My sister moved to the seat next to me. (Yea did I tell you there were other seats open in this section? Who would have thought.) The rude thing then started barking at heather again, staring her down and pointing her fingers, "If you could read English you could read the sign that says this is for the disabled!"

Well excuse me. You didn't know Heather wanted to smite people with disabilities? I didn't mind that she had recommended Heather to move but she didn't have to be so rude about it. You'd think after so many years of living you'd know how to talk to people.

Anyway another nice lady, who had reassured me about my canvases, comforted Heather. She told her that to not worry because their just seats. She also thanked heather for moving.

Hah! I drew Teddy! This is my first successful drawing of him in 2 years! Yeaaaaa...............

Ok, well this is for Nat. She requested him. Heh she also wanted his description. I posted that a few Journals ago.



This picture is in realism because that's how I visualize my characters. When I continue to draw him he will result down to a cartoon style.(sorry) I have a HUGE problem of making my humans look too perfect; as if the came right out of a model magazine. That's the one real aspect of anime I despise. I want to refrain from that because I love the flaws in people so much more. The random acne, the big nose, and the low eye brow. Flaws are what make people interesting, not their perfections.

WHAT THE FUCK?! http://immortaltom.deviantart.com/art/chem-grow-113164686

Lately, I've been feeling really defeated. With work, school, and the general outlook on society I've been feeling limited. Over the years I have been reading about other comic book artist and industries and the whole economic crisis has been a huge let down not only to me but others. I am finding myself not willing to want to even try to get published with the idea that they wouldn't accept my work to begin with.

Last night though I had this dream that had me waking to some sort of blunt realization. In the midst of a foggy 2 minute dream some one told me, "Michelle, This is it. It's nothing more or less. These idea's and fantasies that you've made for yourself are not real. The world as you see it is how it is and deal with it." In the dream I heard my voice drift through that fog and say, despite my natural characteristics, "Ok...alright. Thank you."

It had been like for once through all of my life wishing an dreaming for something more. I had finally realized that the truth is ok. That I have to accept reality, who I am, and society for what it is and deal with it. That's what makes life to interesting. To find ways around the challenges.

I awoke today realizing that I am OK. If one thing takes me down it doesn't mean that it's the end. People, economy; this whole place, have flaws. We all have flaws. That's what makes this place so beautiful. There's no point in trying to find something pure in this place. I am OK with that.

I just hope and wish that this attitude keeps going. To know that there are still possibilities. That it's ok to not ignore problems but to face them and come to realization of the TRUTH.

We as humans aren't more special then anyone else. No one here really cares about you even if they tell you. You and I have our own paths in life. It's selfish to think that some one, even your lover, will stop everything they are doing just for you. We are all equal things. Sexual, asexual, bisexual, black, white, Asian... we are all are the same when we die. Just make the most out of it when your alive. Find your own happiness. Make the most out of it.

I am not going to live my life for one other person, my sister, or my friends. I want to life for everyone and myself. For the future and my past. I just want to move on from all of this and do what it is that I like. Find my own happiness. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate what I do have, but I also have to look to who else I can appreciate as equally.