Remember to Dream

For Cavelleri's class.(
Page 1)
Panel: Often when I talk to people they always tell me, "Don't take comic books so seriously."

Panel 2: Honestly, I've never understood what brought them to that conclusion about me- that I take it "too" seriously.

Panel 3: Since I was a small child I've loved comics. Because my parents worked all day and I hard a difficult time identifying with the children at my school.

Panel 4: "Can I help suck on your guy's suckers?"

Panel 5: "Are you guys lesbians?" A image of a guy with his arm around heather then a panel down to my hands.

(Page 2)
Panel 1: Comics, words from other people I felt were much like myself, helped me deal with my emotions and others I had a hard time understanding.

Panel 2: "...." Current time with me with my brush.

Panel 3: "And I am sure that's everyone's story...." I put my brush back into the ink.

(Page 3)Panel 1 and 2: At night Heather and I would tell each other stories to help us go to sleep. About how wanted school to be like...

Panel 3: As I got older and saw comic books on the shelves, I had hoped that one day I'd have my own book next to theirs.

Panel 4: Maybe I then could help children much like myself when I was young and tell them a story that will help them deal with the world they live in.

Panel 5: Heh, Maybe I do take comic books a little too seriously.

(Page 4) Panel 1: And it's funny because I've met with some of the people that helped me. Thought that somehow it would be nice to chat with other aritsts that have the same interests- sci-fi, macabre, etc...

Panel 2: And I could barely hold a casual conversation with them.

Panel 3: I couldn't help but laugh afterward because I was so unrealistic at the time.

Panel 4: But I'll never forget the feelings....

(Page 5) Panel 1 and 2: ...that... someone who was so important to me saw me as a faded memory.

(Page 6) However, you must always remember to never forget to wish hope and dream.

Heh, I find myself updating less here...not even bothering writing myself. When I am walking down the street, watching people, usually I have an interest in thinking and wondering where they go home to. What do people think about before they sleep? Do people still wish or believe? That has started to cease for me.

When I was younger I often didn't understand the people older then me. Passion to live, exist...and to have meaning just seemed ancient to them. Now that I think about it, that's probably not true...maybe they've just forgotten why they tried to begin with. When realize that the world only provides so much for you and that your not as important as you thought you were you grow distant with in yourself with the inability to really care.

I still think that if I did comics I'd still have the chance to still grab onto something I used to believe. But...I don't know if that matters. I do find myself battling if it's wrong to draw all day long trying to tell the stories that you've lived your life trying to not forget. Maybe it's better to go outside and try to enjoy myself be everyone else's means. It keeps me up at night but I suppose I just result into believing that drawing and telling stories is what I like to do. By the end of the day even the people who socialize go to sleep and wake up to the same sun I do so, It really doesn't matter how you go about entertaining yourself if as long as it makes you happy.

Looking back, I am not sure why I was so passionate about life and that scares me. What troubles me more is why I am questioning it at all.

             So, to cure my hunger Heather and I just came back from a "Dallas" BBQ restaurant. To humor ourselves we went inside, plus it was cheap. It's funny because sitting inside It felt pretty southern, almost like TGI Fridays but less rendered, and it felt much like home- which might be enough to just high tail it out of there. Yummm..southern cooking, enough to create massive tumors in your stomach!

              First off if we're going to compare, for hilarity sake, the sight of the people was the biggest contradiction to the Dallas culture. Beside myself, with my dyed haircut, people were eating BBQ in formal wear and nice coats. Should have thought about taking off that nice suit you were wearing before you got onion oil soaking right through it! People were skinny and well polished looking down and away from others with their sleepish stares. The waiter we had wasn't very friendly, staring at me with his mouth open when taking my order with out providing us the specials unlike what he had done with the people sitting beside us; two older men talking about today's fashion. Not to assume their gay but you'd probably not ever find two men sitting at a table alone together at a BBQ in Texas, and if you did they wouldn't be commenting on how certain woman shouldn't show their "uh hms," As well as gossiping about Dancing with the Stars. (I believe, I am not to entirely sure)

              When we finally got our food I hardly wanted look at it. They had thrown all the spinach at the bottom of a bowl with some raisins, mushrooms, and a brown plank that was supposedly salmon on top. What a way to make the recipe look obvious. I could have bought the ingredients at the local food shop and made it myself for cheaper. The Salmon has been fried to the point in which I was surprised it didn't catch fire then stomped on to have the flames go out. The life had been sucked completely out of it! I couldn't put my fork through it and barley could tare it apart with my fingers. It was so hard I am sure I could have thrown it at the old lady across the restaurant and knock her out instantly. Which I probably should have done, at least I would have had a good laugh from this waste of $10 dollars. It was like biting into cardboard and it tasted like it too.

                Ugh, one thing that was similar to a southern restaurant, as Heather puts it, was that it gave her "Rib Diarrhea."

It's been a while sense I've updated right? Seriously, I am asking this because my weeks are starting to mix together like some sort of horrible dream. I've been asked, "What day is it?" too many times by my fellow classmates.

Outside of my homework which is updated here:
http://oraculardream.blogspot.com/ I've been doing really nothing at all except updating my twitter, ranting about twitter, browsing Deviantart, and ranting about Deviantart.

Speaking of ranting about Deviantart....I logged onto one of my older accounts, which I do every few months to clean up on messages. Well, for the past few times that I have logged in I've been getting replies by people who comment on comments I have left on photos in 2007! Seriously, people leave comments on things I've said 2 years ago! Every time I get one of these replies I am completely clueless. What are they talking about? Then when I click on the picture that carries a name I've been trying to avoid, I have a near panic attack. I'm starting to believe I am having a multiple personality disorder! Right when I see the picture I think to myself, "Why in the world would I have even LOOKED at this picture let alone comment on it." Then in denial I try to find my own comment to prove to myself that I can't really be THAT stupid, "Oh please Michelle, two years ago you weren't stupid enough to comment on one of these type of photos." Sure enough BAM, right there, my comment. Damn! If there were only a way to delete your own comments on DA. At least with Livejournal you can edit your own posts. Sigh....then when I start to read the other comments on this photo my self esteem begins to just reach at it's end. These people are insane!

Anyway, because I won't show the link to the photo, you probably don't know what I am talking about I will move on...

And about twitter- sigh....should I even talk about whats wrong with twitter? We all know what's wrong with it. Ranting about it only makes it worse. Leaving it at that, I must say I get really sad when I see people @ individuals who won't ever reply to them....every time I see someone do it I just sigh....

So school's started along with the constant battle between life and homework. No more sleeping till 6 in the afternoon and cooking dinner for breakfast. My busy life has stunted my activity from the only important thing in my life: My blog. Hah, yea right. Actually, that might be true because there's really nothing I do with my time other then shake my head at the stupidity that goes on in the Television.

Anyway, one of my teachers is pretty halarious. All my teachers are great but not many of them used to have dread locks, has a hello kitty stereo thing, is in a band called the MEGADRIOD,and rants about myspace all at the same time.

This is one of my favorite captions from his "about me," (Which is insanely long by the way.)

( Long but hilarious. It really is.  )

       Today's a great day. Since I was pretty young I've always loved Jennadelle's work. She was pretty popular on DA back when DA was decent. She was an individual that I am so glad stepped into the art world. Really, you have no idea how much her visions have impacted what I draw, even though it's probably not noticeable at this point.

      Her work is dark yet very powerful. It stands on its own and really exposes who she is as a person. Her characters are dynamic and hold layers of definition. Being only just one year older then me I really fought to be as good as her.

      Sure...after some years I've stopped with that sort of mindset. It's important to do what you want to do because you think it's fun and not because your trying to be the best.

      Well she took all of her work off of DA and for at least 3 years I've lost sight of what she's been up to. I'm pretty terrible at looking people up so I've failed pretty epically at finding her art. Today though I have found her! She is also accepting commissions!

Check out her site: jennachew.com/

Or blogspot: jennachew.blogspot.com/search

Just spent a few hours filtering out my old art and entries off this blog. There are many things that I've looked past. It just weighs on my brain to see that I've made so many biased. Sure there's admitting you have a problem then doing nothing about it.

Anyway, I didn't get rid of all my entries. Some of them I had forgotten about and thought they were pretty interesting despite my perspective on my past.

My head is hurting pretty bad and every things starting to get a bit hazy. I'll update more a bit later.

So for some time now I've been ignoring the constant down talk of DA. It's hard to actually defend DeviantArt because actually all the rumors are true. A site that was once filled with respectable artist is now filled with people who've suddenly lost their minds to grab some illusion of fame; a way to be remembered. Really, DeviantArt was actually just a place once were you uploaded your art for others to see. It worked much like Twitter or any other site that's soon about to hit the gutters from over exposure.

Sometimes I can't even look on the front page with out sighing and then fighting the urge in wanting to rant. That would be the wrong thing to do and what's important guys is to accept everyone's views. We don't know what the right definition of art is, so why judge? I just wish their were a bit more variety? I mean seriously all I ever see are comics made by the ignorance of poor individuals who've not waken up yet, pussy, and doodles.

Everyone has their own personal taste but seriously now were is the stuff with personality? Composition? Talent? Sorry scratch that last part I keep forgetting to be open minded about this. If not tutorials it's chicks with tits. What's people's obsession over tits?!

Damn, I just watched Alien. Felt a bit relieved SOMEBODY actually approaches things differently in this "place." The scenery, characters, acting, and costumes were fantastic. Now that's a piece of work. Sure there wasn't much of a story but it kept you entertained. Now the only thing that can entertain you like a goggling little baby are boobs! I mean how long can those things be attractive?! Damn, I mean their only just a pair of sagging glands with pink pimples on your chest. You can maintain the same amount of entertainment by watching dangling basket balls!

Damn it. I feel horrible for the kids being born in this time period. Where's there inspiration? They'll be denying the fact that Alien is good until they get over themselves when they're in their later teens. From that point your masturbating over Transformers. Transformers was an ok movie by the way but at least I had Edward Scissor Hands when growing up. Sure we had the whole "emo" phase that ruined some good music and denied the ability to feel something remotely beautiful or think...but it was something.

It's hard to really grab onto anything anymore. The only thing that I have are things that have been made 10 years or more ago. Matrix was good but it's all in the past...

Comic books are also starting to roll into this sort of generic poo that people eat alongside their chocolate milk and oily french fries that aren't really potatoes anymore. Just shells of something that was once good for you.

I could keep going with this but I know that this rant is getting a little to long for my taste. Thanks, have a good day!

ImagineTEnding: Alien wasn't scary (but gross), but it may have helped if I didn't think the alien wasn't so freaking adorable.

Seriously, all it wanted was some friends. It just didn't take rejection very well. Would you if people screamed at you? No!

At one point he even had his arms open for a hug. As far as hunger goes, throw him a pack of powdered donuts. Donuts cure everything.

OracularDream: Yea I agree, he was pretty adorable. Especially when he popped out of that guy's tummy, "Hey, how's it goin!?"

ImagineTEnding: Or at the end where he was like "Hey, Babeh. There's room here for two. You and me allll siixx weekkksss."

OracularDream: Haha, damn, what a way to get rejected. Here on earth we just throw people out of our houses, not spaceships.

Ah, I forgot to post up the Bobs and Bobby. Guess who's Bobby!  (psft, the buttom row shows different perspectives of him. He is also the one wearing the black shirt. The rest of them are Bobs)
 



And I am reading up on the difference between love and infatuation, a subject I find really interesting, and I really liked this passage.

"Infatuation and love are two separate emotions, and there are many differences between them. They are, however, similar in some ways. Infatuation is like a shiny new pair of dress shoes, where as love is the comfy old sneakers you’ve had for years. Infatuation is fun, while it lasts. Eventually, though, the night out ends, and you slip into the sneakers that fit perfectly, even if they are starting to give at the seams and the tread is worn out. This is what happens in relationships. As the brilliance of infatuation fades, couples move into a contented place where, even if there are problems, they know they can depend on one another to provide the love and support they need. That is the difference between infatuation and love."

Sitting here thinking about the fact that nothing really is going on my life right now which is surprising yet really refreshing.

Now, I don't usually like to write journals with updates about my life because I don't find it very interesting so I don't know why you would but I thought why not? I've only mentioned my newest comic Bobby only a little bit, so with much restriction I thought to share more about it.
Which is actually really funny to me because I share all my work and I don't ever actually finish any of it. So me even mentioning the book might be taboo on my part while my friends sigh shaking their heads at my failed attempts to look like a comic book artist.

Speaking of that actually, I feel like maybe I should explain what happened to Dreaming of Illusions, a story I have been working on for the past few years. Well, after a few things got swept under the rug after SDCC I suddenly found myself looking at myself and who I was. Dreaming of Illusions sure was fun at first; trying to tell this story of how hope gets stripped from some one by the realities of those that are around him and how he impacts friends in the process. However, during that time I had been experiences mounds of stress. Which threw me down roads of self esteem issues, that I'd like to not touch up again. Drifting me far away from what the actual story line was supposed to be about I constantly battled myself on the actual direction the story was going to take. I ended up over analyzing it and crying at every failed attempt I had made in trying to draw my characters. For me, I had wanted to execute the story PERFECTLY which, I believe, left me not wanting to do my story. I never drew any of the characters with this fear of failing. But, I failed to see that failing was apart of the process. People fail. Showing failures through the comic book is all apart of the fun. It helps others see that your just human simply trying to entertain the individuals reading it. Don't get so caught up in everything your doing wrong and just have fun with the over all result. Laugh and move on.

In the end, because of the constant battling and because it's been 3 years, I decided to stop Dreaming of Illusions. Sorry Nat, I had handed you the 3 first episodes. I hope you enjoy them and all that they had stood for. Maybe some time in my life I'll go back into this story and re approach it but probably not.

For my new story I am working with my sister Heather. Kind of scary actually because we ended smacking each other with erasers the first time we tried to do "The S.E.Z." Despite my fears it's actually been quite a bit of fun. This time we are just doing it with just a general idea of where we want it to go. So far that's been my favorite part actually. Drew that characters with not much in mind on their back grounds. Changed themes around while writing. Sometimes we'd actually just take out scenes we originally wanted to set a specific mood. Changing, forming, and seeing the result of problems is absolutely interesting.

Bobby originally was to be this helpless character made from robotic parts then over time we decided to make him into a pastry made by a factory. He still holds all the metaphorical aspects we want him to have but we twisted it to how we want to see fit as the story progresses.

Anyway, look forward to it. It will be done. I've already drawn all the character sheets that can be seen past journal entries and on my flickr account. The first page is sketched and half of the story is written and finalized. The synopsis is done along with character descriptions. We've also done all this within just 2 to 3 weeks so it's all pretty exciting.

Wish me luck! Time to do more pages.

Damn, he's hot.

Oh yea, check the tits on this fine little lady.

It's interesting....for the first half of this video I really didn't understand to an extant on what she was talking about and in a way I am really happy about that.

I've never understood how writing books or doing anything creative had anything to do with success and isn't the challenge of doing better a good thing? I've had many failures with doing comics. Most of the time I end up ditching every comic I do but I never look back at what I did. And when I do, I only get upset that I lost some good characters. All I think to myself when I do write or draw is that I am expressing who I am and hoping others identify with it. If my comics even remotely entertain people then I am pretty ok with that.

This whole idea of failure and being better then your past work, really is pretty meaningless when it gets down to a point because every thing we create is meaningless. Sure yes it gets carried through time but my comics aren't going to mean anything to people in 3010 so I don't understand why I should get hyped up about failing if I'm already being forgotten.

I think what's best is to really just enjoy what your doing for the tiny amount of time you have on earth before it's gone, bad work or not. And in result just hope that you've just made some children's- people's lives just a little bit cooler.

Really, I am not trying to be a wretched girl with a negative point of view but I accept that my existence isn't as big as it may look in my eyes. Which is comforting to me because I don't want to be more then what I am and I don't want my books to be more then they are.

Why make drawing and writing so complicated?

Haha, so just seconds ago I was staring at my parents, horrified at what I had just given them. With out thinking about it, last week I picked out Chipotle Shrimp without realizing how spicy the Chipotle sauce was. When I took a taste at the sauce my mouth about exploded with this intensity that I hated. With out asking heather I just started grabbing some spices and threw it into together with some Half and Half, praying it was good enough to substitute the highlighted flavor in the tittle of the meal.

You guys don't know my history with cooking; all the stuff I make by myself tastes HORRIBLE!!! I mean reaalllyyyy bad- don't touch that with a 9 foot stick- bad. I tend to just throw it away. However, because I didn't use the Chipotle, I had to use something. So we cooked the shrimp threw everything into a large saute pan and tasted it. It was actually not too bad.

My dad walked into the house asking what we're making and I about laugh because I am going to serve this shit to my family. I was kind of freaking out.I ate my plate fast and dashed into my room before I saw them actually eat it. I thought their throats would rupture causing them to collapse onto the ground gasping for air. Their death would have been on my hands! Oh God...After I heard them finish I walked out uncomfortably....

And heather started giving me an uncomfortable smile. Haha...later she told me Dad liked the flavors and my brother didn't mind it but thought it had to much of a orangy flavor! Haha! The orange zest was apart of the original recipe! They hadn't at all actually complained about the sauce I made up myself!

Wow....

I had put Soy Sauce,BBQ sauce, Cumin, Chili powder, anonymous seasoning, Parsley, Worcestershire sauce and lemon juice. Which I suppose work together?

Comic-con is over. Whew....

I've been taking it slow for the past few days but I thought to update a bit. There were a lot of memorable moments of the convention,


Being said.... I am really upset that I didn't get to hang out with Nat like how I had wanted. Really, I see her as one of my closest friends and not being able to show my best side really hurts.

Hopefully if she goes next year....somehow I'll find myself tagging along as well. This year was such a bummer that I didn't get to see anything. I want to go again to really grasp the whole experience.

Maybe....

http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2009/05/entitlement-issues.html

Exactly.

A girl in my sculpture class stood in front of everyone and did a presentation over Synesthesia. She saw music as colors. As she demonstrated the whole routine I kept laughing to myself because I didn't understand why she was bragging about something everyone had.

Then when the whole thing was over I thought everyone would give sarcastic stares but they were all in awe and completely unaware of how she could have done that. A kid from class even asked her about it.

Seriously, over my whole life I thought everyone saw music as colors. Haha, it wasn't until after I talked with James that I realized I had Synesthesia. Which just sounds really stupid to me because I still don't understand how people don't see music as colors. What the hell to you imagine then when your listening to it? Just bob your head to the absence in your head?

In this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veoN1mh7RME the guy describes that having Synesthesia is much like how people experience things when their high. I suppose that's why I didn't have to take drugs to get inspired haha.

Moosey: He is an irritable little toy, completely put out by the distasteful human's he lives with. Aggravated by his daily routine to role play Amber's foolish delusions he wants out and will go to extremes to do so. However, still caring for his other toy friends he brings them along. Though, they as well start to nag on his conscious to leave them behind along with their obnoxious personalities.

Dino: Ignorantly believes in the realities that Amber plays him through. Thinking that Moosey is suggesting to take over the world/house and not simply leaving, he slows processes down. Dino seems ill of logic or rationality. It can also be suggested that he lacks intelligence and does not, with observations, live consciously in this realm.

Biggie: Nicest of the four toys. Sympathetic towards Amber and doesn't want to leave the girl who has been caring for her for such a long time. Being cowardly and lacking self esteem she goes along with Moosey anyway. Mistaking herself as a human and not a toy she also lacks common sense.

Amber: Desperately trying to deny her mundane life she makes every attempt to fit in on social terms. Her first year at middle school for her is tough but she quickly grabs a boy and chats with rumored popular girls at the school to better her status or give an illusion that she is better then everyone else. However, at the end of the day, she can not deny who she really is under her make up; a somebody.

Trevor: Much like Amber he too grabs any individual to heighten his male superiority. People to him are much more like toys then actual people. Physically and mentally nothing is going for this guy. All hopes lay that deep with in his two dimensional body that some one that feels exists.

Getting home was really painful.

Driving through the neighborhoods the whole scene played out awfully in my head. Out of shape people fighting to walk short distances, young couples walking dogs, kids riding on bikes seemed like some awful illusion on what makes people happy. Everything here seems so controlled compared to New York. Houses lines up evenly with no signed of flaws. Nice paint jobs, lawns cut so fine it almost gave off a false impression that grass actually grew that way. People smiling and waving like programs welcoming new people to their small town.

It all lacked natural care; humanity. Everyone, everything looked the same. There's no sense of personality; individuality. Driving closer to my house I had this overwhelming feeling that this itself was hell. This neighborhood felt so secluded from the rest of the world. Spoiled children were so depressed, self righteous over such mundane things. No one here understands what it is that makes the world beautiful.

Walking into my house nearly made me vomit. Everything was perfect, so nicely placed. Just walking into it you'd have no idea who the hell this prison belonged to. Magazines are so nicely placed on a vacant counters. Carpets, walls, and couches lacked wear or the appearance of stains. It was disgusting.

It was hard for me to imagine why I was so upset back here but now I know. There's nothing to do and people aren't much different then cardboard cut outs. What is there to compare yourself to but the ideas of cartoon characters?

When I finally managed to sit down with my parents they could really care less about what I did in school. They didn't even ask. When we tried to tell them about our teachers or our work they would change the subject. Most of our conversations consisted on money or what we did wrong. Mom lectured us that we shouldn't focus on comic books and that we look at the world too much in an idealistic way. What the fuck? Nobody, especially my parents, knows me enough to tell my my views are idealistic. Both of them also lectured us on ways to get money on how to further our career and that we didn't know how to do it right.Yea, okay. We also tried to show them some of my friends works but they also criticized that as well. Mom also wanted heather and I do hop to get a job this summer. Which I didn't mind as much but it just bothers me that my mom didn't exactly even ask about what we have been doing for the past year. Also dad got onto us about cleaning and how we must clean at least 10 minutes a day. I had pointed out to my dad that I didn't understand his extremes on how clean this house should be. Compared to my other friends this house was spotless. He laughed at me and said the house was a complete mess. God... then he told this story on how a bug sprayer or whatever found some dust in the window seal. Oh no guys dust? No!!!

When it gets down to it how clean our positions should be does not matter to a point. We all die and when we die that house will decay coming down with all of it's cleanliness. My parents don't have hobbies or try to enjoy the little things life gives you. You'll never know what it is you enjoy unless you go out there and find it. Cleaning can't really be their only priority. When they are not cleaning their watching T.V.

Well..I suppose I have things to do. Good night.

Edit: Woa, Ripple was actually pretty good. Is defiantly for mature readers but I loved it. I recommend it to anybody.
______
When I walk into a book store it is as if I am walking into a place that is black and white. Comic books lined against the wall contain the same content as the one beside it with not much differentiation in personality or style. In my eyes its all a big blob that has been nicely designed and organized on a shelf to give an illusion of a world that may seem interesting. Honestly, I put down every book that I pick up.

- Fan service
- Fan service
- Fan service

I don't understand why people make their best attempts at having their comics look and feel like every body else's work. It's as if every comic that's drawn in the damn place is drawn by the same person.

....Enough complaining.

Anyway, so I Mark who owns cosmic comics in New York gave me some of Dave Coopers work. It was really weird because he pretty much refused to give me Ripple. He said it would have given me nightmares. I replied, "Well damn, now I really want to read it!" and I begged him if i could buy it. (He had it half price for me so that's why he had a say in what I bought) Apparently the book is really dark and sexually repulsive. Looking through it yea he was right. I also saw some reviews over these things and people commented that, "It's not for the ladies." Well fuck, that just wanted me to buy it more.

There's not much that I can say about it right now in a professional sense. It's a bit immature for me to judge my opinions on something just because everyone told me to NOT read it. Maybe I won't like it. Whatever.

As of right now I am reading Pip and Norton and I love it. Its so funny. The styles really awesome and I love the characters. The environment really compliments the colors and mood that's conveyed through the story.
Nat, you should really read his work. I think you'd love it. Anyway nothing else is going on except school work. Currently obsessed with a show called 6 feet under. And two people stared at me at a restaurant today. Hmm....